I am burdened with so many emotions right now. Honestly, I’m excited because after months (maybe even a year) of not doing a post like this – I’m proud to say that Sunday Letters is up and running at this moment. I’m excited because it seems like it’s been ages since I’ve been able to write like this. But, on the other hand, I’m filled with dread and an overwhelming sense of anxiety building up inside. My Sunday Letters posts are a way for me to get a bit personal here and a way for me to put myself out there for others to read. I miss it, but use it as a way to hold me accountable of things I set forth for myself. It’s been a long while since I’ve done a post like this – so I’m going to get real for a moment and get you all caught up.
Ugh… where do I begin? It’s already March and I have been sick so many times over the last few months that I can’t even count or begin to. I rang in the new year with the flu and I feel like it’s just all piling up on me like the plague. No matter what I do to get my health back in check, I find myself dwindling into the despair of sick and tired… literally. I have also been struggling with my weight. What the frick is up with my weight? No matter what I do health wise, it seems like I’m putting on weight versus losing no matter the countless hours and sweat I put into trying to drop the pounds. My skin has been freaking the frick out… like literally freaking out and my once good skin is now proving that it has an alter ego that is mean and evil. My skin is freaking out so bad it is worst now than it had been when I was in my teens. How is that even possible? How could this be?
“Some women fear the fire, some women simply become it…” – R.H. Sin
I think the health issues I’ve been having over the last year have been something that has literally been keeping my faith and my energy down. Over the last 6 months I’ve had every possible friend contact me and tell me “I have this new product line or product for you to try and it will make your health better, help you lose weight.” Trust when I say I have heard it all. What I really want to tell these friends is that “I’m not your get rich quick guinea pig that you can dump your new product on to make money off of.” I know, I might be a little harsh here, but it’s true. Instead of telling me… “I’m sorry that you are going through this, how can I help?” I get “hey, try this product and start using it faithfully and it will help you get better quick.” Who the frick do these people think they are talking to? I’m just over it.
Over the last 8 months, I have had more tests done to me than people have had in their lifetime. And, I might add – these are not easy on my body. Taking blood is like seeing a vampire for a neck bite. I don’t have easy veins and they are what phlebotomist call “disappearing veins” because they move or you think they are there but it’s all an illusion. Just to get a blood test done, I get poked and prodded over 5 times and then the blood suckers don’t even get enough blood to complete their testing. I had to have a CT Scan and Endoscopy done within the last 8 months as well and the CT scan required the technician to send me to an ultrasound tech to find my veins so he could start my IV, a procedure that should have taken 15 minutes took 2 hours. My Endoscopy – again, finding my vein to start my IV posed a challenge for the nurses, so after poking my arm over 8 times, they finally found a vein in my hand which wound up collapsing eventually, resulting in a huge bruise and a vein I can probably no longer use. Then, so have anesthesia rendered to put me to sleep so that I wouldn’t feel the scope down my throat, only for the medicine to not put me to sleep and I be up the entire time. These are just a small amount of issues I have with my body each day and it’s frustrating.
I have been waking up each day with a lost of drive lately. Those that know me, know that that is unusual for me. It’s outside of the norm of what many have come to expect from me and my personality. I’m just so overrun with emotions that it’s frustrating and I’m frustrated.
The other day I was chatting with a friend when she basically told me… to my face, “You just need to lose the weight and everything in your health and life will be better.” What the fuck? Don’t you think I have already tried or am trying to do that? Don’t you think that I know all too well that my weight is probably an issue? I try and stay with a program day in and day out and it hasn’t worked! So then, I ask you – why isn’t it working if you say that that is my end all, fix all? Why?
I know I have ranted and vented in this post more than what anyone has ever seen here, but just know you may be seeing more of this. I’m exhausted and more so exhausted of trying to explain myself to people who are supposed to support me, not tear me down. My goal is to become the fire that is causing havoc in my life right now and not run and fear it. So, I hope to update you all on my journey and let you know how things are going. I have a series of different appointments with doctors coming up and I’ll be writing about those here as well… so stay tuned.
Anyway – on to Sunday letters…
Dear Kevin, my husband – You have been an unwavering support system for me and I didn’t expect anything otherwise. I’m so thankful you are my rock for me to vent to and my shoulder to cry on and there is a reason why you are my best friend. I don’t know how I could have gotten through these last several months without you. Thank you for being there for me.
Dear God – Please, please give me the strength to be able to get passed this time in my life. Whatever the issue with my body that seems like it’s failing me, please heal my body of its ailments and help to give me peace. Please give me the strength to walk away from those that claim to be my friends but don’t realize they are putting me down while they are thinking that they are lifting me up. And, please give me the courage to get my health back on track and my mind back to being and thinking positively.
Dear Friends (those that I talked about in this post) whether you are family or friends, this letter is for you. I don’t despise you. I don’t hate or and I’m certainly not mad at you, but more so disappointment in your actions. You can be mad that I chose this route to discuss it, but I didn’t mention any names. I can only hope and pray that God opens your eyes to how much you have hurt me. I’m not hopeless or someone who is without hope for the future, I’m simply in a little bit of a rut at the moment. Instead of pushing me down and making me feel more like crap and putting me deeper in depression, how’s about you offer positive reinforcement to help. I don’t hate you, but can only hope that you can be a more positive influence instead of constantly tearing me down.