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I am burdened with so many emotions right now.  Honestly, I’m excited because after months (maybe even a year) of not doing a post like this – I’m proud to say that Sunday Letters is up and running at this moment.  I’m excited because it seems like it’s been ages since I’ve been able to write like this.  But, on the other hand, I’m filled with dread and an overwhelming sense of anxiety building up inside.  My Sunday Letters posts are a way for me to get a bit personal here and a way for me to put myself out there for others to read.  I miss it, but use it as a way to hold me accountable of things I set forth for myself.  It’s been a long while since I’ve done a post like this – so I’m going to get real for a moment and get you all caught up.

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Ugh… where do I begin?  It’s already March and I have been sick so many times over the last few months that I can’t even count or begin to.  I rang in the new year with the flu and I feel like it’s just all piling up on me like the plague.  No matter what I do to get my health back in check, I find myself dwindling into the despair of sick and tired… literally.  I have also been struggling with my weight.  What the frick is up with my weight?  No matter what I do health wise, it seems like I’m putting on weight versus losing no matter the countless hours and sweat I put into trying to drop the pounds.  My skin has been freaking the frick out… like literally freaking out and my once good skin is now proving that it has an alter ego that is mean and evil.  My skin is freaking out so bad it is worst now than it had been when I was in my teens.  How is that even possible?  How could this be?

“Some women fear the fire, some women simply become it…” – R.H. Sin

I think the health issues I’ve been having over the last year have been something that has literally been keeping my faith and my energy down.  Over the last 6 months I’ve had every possible friend contact me and tell me “I have this new product line or product for you to try and it will make your health better, help you lose weight.”  Trust when I say I have heard it all.  What I really want to tell these friends is that “I’m not your get rich quick guinea pig that you can dump your new product on to make money off of.”  I know, I might be a little harsh here, but it’s true.  Instead of telling me… “I’m sorry that you are going through this, how can I help?”  I get “hey, try this product and start using it faithfully and it will help you get better quick.”  Who the frick do these people think they are talking to?  I’m just over it.

Over the last 8 months, I have had more tests done to me than people have had in their lifetime.  And, I might add – these are not easy on my body.  Taking blood is like seeing a vampire for a neck bite.  I don’t have easy veins and they are what phlebotomist call “disappearing veins” because they move or you think they are there but it’s all an illusion.  Just to get a blood test done, I get poked and prodded over 5 times and then the blood suckers don’t even get enough blood to complete their testing.  I had to have a CT Scan and Endoscopy done within the last 8 months as well and the CT scan required the technician to send me to an ultrasound tech to find my veins so he could start my IV, a procedure that should have taken 15 minutes took 2 hours.  My Endoscopy – again, finding my vein to start my IV posed a challenge for the nurses, so after poking my arm over 8 times, they finally found a vein in my hand which wound up collapsing eventually, resulting in a huge bruise and a vein I can probably no longer use.  Then, so have anesthesia rendered to put me to sleep so that I wouldn’t feel the scope down my throat, only for the medicine to not put me to sleep and I be up the entire time.  These are just a small amount of issues I have with my body each day and it’s frustrating.

I have been waking up each day with a lost of drive lately.  Those that know me, know that that is unusual for me.  It’s outside of the norm of what many have come to expect from me and my personality.  I’m just so overrun with emotions that it’s frustrating and I’m frustrated.

The other day I was chatting with a friend when she basically told me… to my face, “You just need to lose the weight and everything in your health and life will be better.”  What the fuck?  Don’t you think I have already tried or am trying to do that?  Don’t you think that I know all too well that my weight is probably an issue?   I try and stay with a program day in and day out and it hasn’t worked!  So then, I ask you – why isn’t it working if you say that that is my end all, fix all?  Why?

I know I have ranted and vented in this post more than what anyone has ever seen here, but just know you may be seeing more of this.  I’m exhausted and more so exhausted of trying to explain myself to people who are supposed to support me, not tear me down.  My goal is to become the fire that is causing havoc in my life right now and not run and fear it.  So, I hope to update you all on my journey and let you know how things are going.  I have a series of different appointments with doctors coming up and I’ll be writing about those here as well… so stay tuned.

Anyway – on to Sunday letters…

Dear Kevin, my husband – You have been an unwavering support system for me and I didn’t expect anything otherwise.  I’m so thankful you are my rock for me to vent to and my shoulder to cry on and there is a reason why you are my best friend.  I don’t know how I could have gotten through these last several months without you.  Thank you for being there for me.

Dear God – Please, please give me the strength to be able to get passed this time in my life.  Whatever the issue with my body that seems like it’s failing me, please heal my body of its ailments and help to give me peace.  Please give me the strength to walk away from those that claim to be my friends but don’t realize they are putting me down while they are thinking that they are lifting me up.  And, please give me the courage to get my health back on track and my mind back to being and thinking positively.

Dear Friends (those that I talked about in this post) whether you are family or friends, this letter is for you.  I don’t despise you.  I don’t hate or and I’m certainly not mad at you, but more so disappointment in your actions.  You can be mad that I chose this route to discuss it, but I didn’t mention any names.  I can only hope and pray that God opens your eyes to how much you have hurt me.  I’m not hopeless or someone who is without hope for the future, I’m simply in a little bit of a rut at the moment.  Instead of pushing me down and making me feel more like crap and putting me deeper in depression, how’s about you offer positive reinforcement to help.  I don’t hate you, but can only hope that you can be a more positive influence instead of constantly tearing me down.

Signed,

Signature Honey

I’m sure you’ve seen it all over social media… and many of my friends and readers have stopped in to send their birthday wishes (for that I thank you), but I really wanted to round up the Twins birthday anyhow, since it seems that I’ve been slacking in the personal department on my blog lately.  On Monday, (September 8th) Luke and Isaiah turned into 5  year olds.  I’m not gonna lie, I cried and bawled my eyes out as I do each and every year my children have a birthday (all of my children, including Kevin who will be 11 in January) lol.  Let’s face it, I’m an emotional wreck when milestones are reached, but proud to look back at all of the accomplishments.

Luke & Isaiah's Birthday

So – the twins packed up some goodie bags for their classmates and my hubby and I made our way to their classroom to celebrate their birthdays.  Their teacher took our photo where the boys were adorned in their birthday crown and a few leis (ya know it’s a Hawaii Tradition, right? lol).  They spent the rest of the day with their friends and after school let out – we went to an early birthday dinner… the twins chose Genki Sushi (since they love Sushi) and then ended the evening with some games at Fun Factory.  I have to admit – I am always amazed at how much they have grown, literally right before our eyes.  It seems like just yesterday that I gave birth to them.

Luke & Isaiah's Birthday

On September 8, 2009 I gave birth to two wonderful little guys… but the road through pregnancy and the day I gave birth was quite a journey.  Twins run in my family (both my mom and my dad have twins in their families) and in my husband’s (both his mom and his dad have twins in their families), so while we knew it was a possibility – we didn’t really think it would ever happen to us.  My pregnancy was difficult – I lost 63 lbs through out the time I carried the twins in my womb… I weighed less at the time I gave birth than I did when I found out I was pregnant (this happened when I was pregnant with my eldest as well), and because of this – I was sick through most of the 7 1/2 months I carried the twins.  My iron levels were so low, but the doctors had to give me a vitamin supplement that would not make me so sick – because I lost so much weight, increasing my iron would make me much more sick.  Because the twins shared a placenta, I was monitored closely and was considered a “high risk” pregnancy because I was carrying multiples, but also high risk because of Preeclampsia and not to mention I wasn’t gaining any weight but losing a lot of it.  On the day I gave birth to my beautiful baby boys, I actually went in for a Pre-Op appointment (since my cesarean was scheduled a few days later), but was rushed to emergency surgery because my doctor had feared that I would have a stroke or heart attack in the middle of the night (before giving birth) and would not live through the evening if I didn’t have my children within a few hours.  To say I was afraid and scared would be an understatement… but my thought was that I needed to make sure my twins would be okay.

twins

It’s funny to look back at that day, knowing I had so many emotions built up inside and not knowing the road ahead would also be a challenge.  After the birth of the twins (which was a miracle in its own), I dealt with severe Postpartum depression.  I didn’t think it was that bad, but I couldn’t shake the sadness in my mind and because of this, my doctor requested that my husband resign as a Police Recruit to stay home and take care of me until I had gotten though the rough patch in it all.  Mind you… it’s now five years later and I still deal with postpartum depression (off and on over the years) so my emotional craziness is a whirl wind and roller coaster all wrapped up in one.  But, they say that if you walk by faith, not by sight… that God will guide you through, and here we are today.

Luke & Isaiah's birthday

Since one birthday in a year is never enough… on Tuesday, while out running errands as a family, we decided to have some dinner at Ruby’s Diner (more on our experience in a later post) and the twins were once again honored for their special day.  We will also be hosting a small family gathering at our house on Sunday and I’ll be sure to post updates here when the busy day is done.

So, I bet you didn’t think you would be getting such an earful worth of information by reading this post… lol but honestly, while we celebrate birthdays each and every year, I’m so thankful to also be celebrating life.  To say I’m thankful each and every day for these little guys and their big brother Kevin would be an understatement because thankful doesn’t even cover the feelings I experience inside.  Love… that would be the best possible word to describe it.  I had no idea that when I got pregnant with Luke & Isaiah, that all of this would have happened in my life… but I wouldn’t change any of it for anything else in the whole World so long as we have our babies.

Happy Birthday Twinnies!  May your lives be filled with an endless amount of love and joy and may God bless you always.

Signature Honey

 

UP4 Women’s Probiotics has been a lifesaver for me the last month.  I recently discussed having a weird imbalance in my life with a friend who is a psychologist and she suggested that I add this supplement to my daily vitamins and supplements I currently take.  While I have heard of them before, I just assumed I was getting the proper amount since I had yogurt in my diet, however… I was not getting enough of the required amount.  After having the twins and experiencing severe postpartum depression, I have had a hard time getting my mind and body regulated and have been experiencing everything from mood swings and my body just feeling out of sorts to getting colds consistently, even with a change of diet and exercise, I needed something more.

UP4 Women's Probiotics

This probiotic superstar (voted a Best of Supplements winner byBetter Nutrition magazine) is designed specifically with adults in mind. UP4 Adult is the perfect probiotic combination for helping adults maintain a healthy digestive system.* Starting with our own trademarked strain L. acidophilus DDS®-1, we added three strains of Bifidobacteria to maximize the benefits unique to each strain (B. longum, B. lactis, B. bifidum).

For women of all ages; this probiotic is formulated just for you to support urinary tract health. For pure probiotics, certified organic cranberry and pure well-being, look no further! UP4 Women’s consists of four strains of Lactobacillus found in a healthy vaginal tract including our ultimate superstrain L. acidophilus DDS®-1, L. rhamnosus, L. gasseri and L. plantarum, along with Bifidobacterium lactis.

UP4 Probiotics

NON-DAIRY • NON-GMO • GLUTEN FREE
SOY FREE • PRESERVATIVE FREE • VEGAN

  • Just for women
  • With certified organic cranberry
  • 10 billion CFU

UP4 Probiotics Ingredients

I think like any supplement, you should definitely look into the ingredients and the options with your doctor.  I didn’t have the chance to meet with mine regarding this and started taking the pills immediately after getting them in the mail.  I have felt much more comfortable with my digestive system and my mood swings are not as bad and have lessened dramatically.  I only need take two capsules per day during meals, which is great considering I take so many other supplements already – I don’t need to be taking something several times a day.  The pills are not huge, but not small – still easily swallowed.

UP4 Women's Probiotics

Overall – I’m pretty impressed with how I feel and how my body feels.  Since this particular supplement is sold at a few stores near me, I can easily continue to take them and continue to see the benefits they have in store for me.  Retailing for about $26 – this supplement is definitely worth looking into if you are experiencing similar issues as I.
I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.